What I think of Mindfulness

I'm sick of your cider-soaked bar side philosophies.
I'm sick of your dip-in dip-out wisdoms
that reach as far as glittery quotes on public walls. 

You hurt my brain with all you don't know
With the puzzle pieces that you didn't even look for
Before showing me a picture 
I don't recognise.

I'm exhausted by the practical, 
the "just breath through it", 
the "you should get up and talk a walk, the sun will...". 

I shove my finger up to your arrogant ignorances. 
And pour my beer over the head of your unfair hatreds. 

Has all that I've become is a Woman Scorned? 
From back shoulder partner
To Defenceless Spinster? 
The loneliest I feel is when you try to defend
Me. 

I apologise. There once was a time when it could flow from my virtual lips. And it would be half arsed decent. 

When men would email for all that I wrote and women would swoon with sweet words that I picked. There was a well that I tapped. And it ran dry. 

But I refuse for it to be the only. So give me grace. Give me time. 

Give me standing on each street corner. Looking for you. 

Give me me time. Hearing you after you've died in a car accident that I know you wanted. 

But there's a girl in the parking lot.

Waning

With your charm, I keep allowing you

To sleep in my bed

While I watch the condoms wane.

I climb in, next to the man that I once knew.

And then

We move

To different places

To different facebook statuses

You still demand

How are your plants you’re taking your knives perhaps you shouldn’t have left the couch remember that sleeping bag that you gave me because you'd like it back

While I wane

I find myself

Self publishing
Ceaseless questioning of memories jailed in my head

Not really?

You didn’t really?

But you really did.

And I’m alone
And I can't hate you. Despite what they tell me to do. 

And now your Facebook status reads differently

And I’m alone

Without all of it

I walk home differently

I walk home. So much alone. So freed. With jailed memories. And I don’t think you care. Because you have your knives and your sleeping bag and your answers and your new woman and your forgiveness.

And I have

Memories

Of two years

Of climbing into bed

Next to you

Knowing

What I just read on your phone.
Of watching the condoms wane. 



*Actually, this wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. Given the amount of alcohol in me when written and how little I remembered of it (nothing) and how long it took me to brave looking (2 weeks). Could be A LOT better though. I'll keep trying. 

We Regret to Announce

Programming will resume at the cessation of one overdue degree. In approximately one month. But lets not get ahead of ourselves just yet. 

Please do not hesitate to visit. 

In the meantime, have a photo... 

It's just a broken heart

Can I ask

I was wondering

I didn't want to

I'd assumed

Have you

OMG are you two

We just heard

They were asking

Long time! It seems

It's so sad

I was so sorry to

We suspected

But you guys were

I just heard

How are you

Perhaps if you

Maybe after

One day you will

You always were

What if he

I didn't mean to intrude

The Kid

"Do you remember how old I am"

"I remember a number"

"What is it"

"I'm just going to say it so don't be insulted"

"So what did your friends say about women my age?"

"I'm not coping. I need a distraction from this. Can I contact The Kid"

"I'm surprised you haven't already"

"Are you working for the next several nights"

"I just knocked off still wanna catch up for that drink"

"Hey darling how has your day gone"

"Your texts never have text in them"

"No I'm Bad At texting"

"That much I've worked out. Can you just return my cigarettes"

"You have this smell about you I don't know what it is"

"I hope it's a good thing"

"I associate it with very good things"

"I'm standing metres away from my Ex's Other Woman. I need to leave. Can I come meet you"

"You know he's just using you for sex"

"He knows my situation"

"Hey darling just knocked off been working way too much lately but I have the next couple of days off whatcha up to"

"Thanks for an amusing night. I could use some more sex though"

"The feeling is mutual :)"

"Can we just put it down to a night of miscommunication"

"What are you talking about it was a fantastic night"

"I did nothing wrong to be propositioned by your friend. I'm not attracted to him. I am/was attracted to you"

"One day I'll walk back into your life. You'll be some top fancy chef"

"And you'll bring along our 3 kids!"

"I'm having your kids?"

"3 of the 9"

"I like you"

"Ditto"

"What drugs did you take now"

"What do ya mean"

"Your nose is bleeding"

"I think you're a top lady and I'm sad to say I don't think I'll be seeing you again"

"You couldn't text to say bye to a friend? All I've asked from you is honesty and I'm not sure if you have been."

*very experimental. Don't think it worked but still wanted to try so publishing it

Rebound

You Cannot Just Move On.

You can kiss. But you cannot allow it back beyond the bar doorway.

Do Not hold hands.

Do Not hope for text responses.

Do Not - fall.

He did not realise what he did when he leant in, strangely, for a kiss at that counter.

And you stared, saying, “no” but realised “Oh, wait. Yes.

I can do this now”.

You cannot just leave your remorseful relationship flaggings on the bar stool

As you learn each other’s company in weekend beer sessions

Alleyway shaggings

Midday wakings.

You Must

First face your end.

And not text each time you wish to escape your pained cage

Each time rattled by the voice of your… Ex…

Now….Ex….

You cannot play without first cleaning.  

He was not meant to lean in for that kiss.

He was not meant to shout, on that street corner, that he was tired of you hauling your ex and your past into each evening’s conversations.

He did not ask for your burdens.

Though.

You’d leant back, in for fun.

It was not meant to turn this serious